Well... a Twist

So I know that this is going to be a shock for a lot of people (myself included), but I didn't go to Peru. I have been doubting my reasons for going for some time now, but was trying to put my best foot forward and do what I thought I wanted to do. I applied to Peace Corps a full year ago, and it was quite a challenge to get in. A year ago, I think I was 90% sure that I wanted to do the Peace Corps. The only factor about it that daunted me was the 2 year and 2 month commitment that it required, and the time spent apart from my loved ones that obviously went with it. I loved all the other aspects, so I tried to ignore that factor. However, as much as I love to travel (and my travels have not ended), I am also a person that loves my home, my family and my friends. I love the little things and the little moments, and the thought that I was going to miss so many was really hard for me. As time went on, and as I got accepted and it got closer, I got caught up in how important it seemed to others that I go, and how "cool" everyone thought it was. I felt like I couldn't turn around because it would let others down, or make me seem less adventurous.

Anyway, I went to the airport yesterday morning, checked in my bags, went through security, got to the terminal, and was not able to move forward to get in line to board the plane. As I said, I have had a lot of doubts lately, but I thought they were last minute fears. However, the feeling I felt in the terminal was more than just fear: it was the realization that this was no longer what I wanted. I have been rationalizing lately that if I didn't like Peace Corps, or didn't think I could handle the two years, that I'd just come home. But since I'm not the kind of person that starts something and doesn't finish it, that didn't sit well with me. I'm not cool with wasting their time and money and just leaving after a year. When it all comes down to it, I really never wanted to leave home for that long. I want adventure, and I want to help people, but I don't want to walk away from my life for that period of time. I have also realized that I was very scared about graduating college and having no "direction." Peace Corps was a way to give myself the stability of a direction and of a structure. I absolutely cannot handle not knowing what's going to happen in the future, and I can't stand having no goals to work towards (hence, the reason I always have something going on). But what this last month of being at home and spending time with those I care about has taught me is that I don't always have to have an answer, and that if this particular answer I thought I had found no longer worked for me, that was just fine. So I stood in the terminal, crying and shaking, but could not bring myself to walk on. I watched every person board the plane, listened as they called my name for final boarding, then walked up to the lady to the counter and said "I'm not boarding the plane." I figured out my luggage situation (since it was already on the plane), and I got my poor parents and Andrew to drive all the way back for a second time (Wasn't the freeway pretty this morning though?). I called Peace Corps, who told me they understood and that I am not alone in changing my mind at the last minute. They also said they appreciated my bravery in facing my true feelings at the last minute, and that it just may not have been the right time for me. I just felt that if I wasn't going to put myself all the way in (27 months in), then I wasn't even going to start this adventure. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair for me.

I've obviously put a huge spin on things, and now have no idea what I'm going to do. I just knew I couldn't give Peace Corps 2 years and 2 months of my life, and in my heart I know I'm doing the right thing. I believe in the Peace Corps completely, and maybe in a different time I'll feel it's the right time. It's doubtful, because I don't think I'll ever be able to leave for that lenght of time, but maybe. You'll still hear me talking about some crazy new adventure that I've planned that will involve volunteering and helping others; it just won't be for that duration of time.

I'm really proud of myself for doing what I did. I listened to my real emotions that I had been evading for the last few months, and let myself feel what I needed to feel to understand. This could, in one way, look like a cop out, and since I was afraid of how it would look to others, I was obviously afraid of that. But I really don't care how it looks, and it's really not a cop out. It's also not about my fears, or my lack of ability to leave home, because I have already done that multiple times. I just knew it wasn't right for me.

So now we go back to the drawing board. I doubt I'll post on this blog anymore but I wanted to explain myself here since it started here. I really have no idea how I'm going to proceed; another volunteering endeavor, a job... I don't know. But I hate down time and hate having nothing to do, so I do know that whatever I'm going to do will happen quickly.

To the other Peru 14'ers who follow my blog, I'm really sorry I'm not there with you and I really wish I could have gotten to know you. Good luck over there in Peru and with all the good things you are going to do for the country. You are going to change their lives forever.

This is Jenna, over and out!

Packing

Well, here we are, 1 day to go! Things are getting intense. As it turns out, packing up your life for the next two years is hard work! I have successfully packed everything into a suitcase, a backpacking backpack and a carry on duffel bag....the true challenge is going to be when I find out how much it all weights. It seems I have a weight limit of 80-100 pounds total... and yeah, I really don't think I stayed within that weight limit. However, I don't feel like finding out yet, because the process of just packing it all was overwhelming enough by itself. I'm now going to take a break, eat lunch, and deal with the rest of it tomorrow.

I have found it very interesting that throughout this entire process, I have not cried once. Well okay, I did back when I found out that I actually got into the Peace Corps, but I haven't cried since. Not when I said goodbye to my extended family, not when I said goodbye to Andrew's parents, and not when I said goodbye to my closest friends. Weird? Yes. I think I'm so overwhelmed with the emotions and with what I'm actually doing that I'm not allowing the feelings to process. I think if I did, the floodgates would open and I wouldn't have the willpower to get on the plane. So, to all of you that I love, don't think I'm not sad to leave you. I think that I'm actually so incredibly sad about it, that I'm in "preservation" mode.

I'll write more later.

12 Days to Go

So I received a CD yesterday from Peace Corps that involved a whole bunch of info. Just for fun, I thought I'd post a few fun facts for you.

40% of the population lives under the poverty level (under $58 per month), and 14% lives in extreme poverty (under $32 per month).

There is a chronic malnourishment rate for children of 24%, an under-5 mortality rate of 28/1,000, and limited access to basic health services.

Less than 50% of the rural population has access to latrines or other sanitary facilities.

There is a lack of trained human resources, particularly in rural areas.

Nonetheless, there are excellent partner agencies with which Peace Corps can work to address the above challenges.

There is a large cadre of community health educators, who are receptive to learning preventive health techniques.

It has been proven in Peru that simple community-based educational campaigns can significantly reduce disease. For example, washing hands with soap and water can reduce the incidence of diarrhea by approximately 35%.

These are all facts regarding why I'm going to be there working as a Health Care Promoter. As you can see, their resources are few, so I will be there trying to teach the people in the community the basic knowledge of health care. I think I'm also going to learn a lot myself, so that will be nice. One job of mine that will be new is teaching the community how to plant gardens and grow vegetables. This is something I have no background in, but have always wanted to. I remember trying t grow pumpkins at Halloween as a child, but I also remember always having a rockin' pumpkin from the awesome pumpkin patches. So, I'm guessing the gardening force was not strong with me then, but hopefully I can still improve.

We are at day 12, and I'm getting more restless. I can't wait to go, and I wish time would slow down all at the same time. Saying goodbye is going to be hard, but it feels like it's just being dragged out. I'm just trying to enjoy every moment.

I met a woman the other day who told me that New Year's Eve in Brazil is something that "every person should experience." I need to make a mental note to get there on one of my two Christmas Eves in South America.

I'm going to be fine without my technology, but I have to admit that it's going to be hard to say goodbye to my Blackberry and to my Netflix account. Pathetic, but it's true.

I'm still figuring out this whole blog situation and how pictures and videos work, but up on the top I posted a picture of Valparaiso, Chile. I wanted to test how the pictures post, and since Chile is right below Peru, I thought it would be fitting. Valparaiso is, if I recall correctly, one of the oldest cities in Chile, if not the oldest. It was absolutely beautiful and that is my favorite picture of it.

test

I just tried uploading an old video, so we're seeing if it works...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcaZePcnPto

And it works! Thanks Uncle John for showing me how to do that! For anyone that's interested, it's an extremely riveting video of capuchin monkeys in Costa Rica. Really, it's not that interesting, but they are monkeys, and monkeys= awesome. I'm really happy that the upload worked, because I want to be able to post videos as I take them on my journey. 19 days 'til lift off!

21 Days and Counting

Hello Friends and Family!

This is Jenna, signing in on my first blog entry. I was checking out the internet and noticed that a few of my fellow Peru-bound Peace Corps friends were already writing, so I decided to jump on the band wagon. I'm 21 days away and full of way more than 21 emotions! Let's write a little bit about the background.

For those who don't know me, I'm from San Diego, CA (originally from Orange County but I'm now a San Diegan) and I just graduated from California State University, San Marcos with a Bachelor's Degree in Spanish. I applied for the Peace Corps a full year ago, and am now getting ready to embark! I lived in Santiago, Chile for two weeks, and then lived in Alicante, Spain for 5 months (I got to hop around a bunch of Europe while I was there too, which was pretty awesome), so I definitely love to travel and can't wait to live in Peru. I joined the Peace Corps to make a difference in the lives of others, regardless of how big or small that difference might be. If I touch even just one person in a real way, I will leave Peru happy. I also joined to be able to live in another culture so that I can better understand it, and gain a larger understanding of what this big world is like. Traveling is another plus of the Peace Corps, and I plan to do a lot of that while I'm gone. Macchu Picchu anyone?!

I'm going to be serving as a Health Care Promoter for the Peace Corps. Basically, I'll be teaching the people about nutrition, disease awareness, pregnancy prevention, etc. I do have a partial background in this area, mostly on nutrition from public speaking in high school, but I'm really looking forward to all that I'm going to learn about health care. There is definitely a lot for me to learn. I'll be living with a host family for my entire two years, which is great! My first two months in Peru will be spent in Lima, where I will be doing pre-service training. While there, I will live with one host family. After my two months are over, I will be sent to my actual site, which will be anywhere in Peru, so at that point I'll be moved to another host family. I didn't live with a host family while I was in Spain, but I did live with a Chilean madre during my two weeks in Chile, and she is one of my fondest memories. She was this sweet, 60's age or so woman who didn't speak a lick of English. At the time, I really didn't speak spanish, so it was quite the challenge, but I'll never forget how warm and welcoming she was. She called my spanish dictionary "tu mejor amigo" because I was always pausing and looking words up in it. I gave her a "beach" style (to represent California) Beanie Baby as a thank you gift for letting me stay with her, and she ran around the house for ten minutes introducing the bear to all the rooms, its new bed, etc. This was all in spanish so I had no idea what the words she was saying were, but I could read the body language and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Beanie Baby finished in his bed, where he was literally tucked in. I hope I have a similar experience with my new host family.

I'm allowed to take two suitcases and a carry on. Packing will be a challenge for me, but I plan on mastering it. I've been trying not to go out and buy too much "new" stuff, and I think I've done a pretty good job. I do plan on bringing my computer, my iPod, my camera, etc. From what I've read on other blogs, I've gathered that internet access and cell phone coverage is widely spread. I also do plan on purchasing a cell phone while I'm there. It makes me feel better to know that I will have a phone on me that I can use in case of emergencies (although once my mom gets hold of the number, I'm sure it will be used to communicate with home a lot as well.) I also have a Mac, so I can definitely do iChat, or Skype, whenever I feel. I'm a little nervous to cart my precious MacBook Pro around, so we will see what the environment is like for that. I'm also bringing a bazillion books, and plan to read as much as I can while I'm in Peru. It's something that I never take the time to do at home, but is something that I love.

These last few weeks are for saying my goodbyes, and I have to admit it's depressing. Everyone looks at me with a face that says "I'm happy to see you! But oh you are leaving... now I'm sad..." It's tough! I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. I'm not leaving forever, I'm not going to war, I'm visiting halfway through... no sweat! This is going to change me in the best of ways, and is going to give me experiences that nothing else could. It's all good! On the flipside, I've been doing really fun things, because I've been getting to hang out with everyone. It's definitely been fun, and has been nice to not be employed. :) I quit my job at Verizon Wireless as Customer Service Representative about two weeks ago so that I could spend my last month with everyone I love. It's been great!

Ok I think this is enough for now. My coffee has gone cold so it's time to move on to the next activity. I will be testing how to post videos and pics on this blog soon, so until then... arriba Peru!