Well... a Twist

So I know that this is going to be a shock for a lot of people (myself included), but I didn't go to Peru. I have been doubting my reasons for going for some time now, but was trying to put my best foot forward and do what I thought I wanted to do. I applied to Peace Corps a full year ago, and it was quite a challenge to get in. A year ago, I think I was 90% sure that I wanted to do the Peace Corps. The only factor about it that daunted me was the 2 year and 2 month commitment that it required, and the time spent apart from my loved ones that obviously went with it. I loved all the other aspects, so I tried to ignore that factor. However, as much as I love to travel (and my travels have not ended), I am also a person that loves my home, my family and my friends. I love the little things and the little moments, and the thought that I was going to miss so many was really hard for me. As time went on, and as I got accepted and it got closer, I got caught up in how important it seemed to others that I go, and how "cool" everyone thought it was. I felt like I couldn't turn around because it would let others down, or make me seem less adventurous.

Anyway, I went to the airport yesterday morning, checked in my bags, went through security, got to the terminal, and was not able to move forward to get in line to board the plane. As I said, I have had a lot of doubts lately, but I thought they were last minute fears. However, the feeling I felt in the terminal was more than just fear: it was the realization that this was no longer what I wanted. I have been rationalizing lately that if I didn't like Peace Corps, or didn't think I could handle the two years, that I'd just come home. But since I'm not the kind of person that starts something and doesn't finish it, that didn't sit well with me. I'm not cool with wasting their time and money and just leaving after a year. When it all comes down to it, I really never wanted to leave home for that long. I want adventure, and I want to help people, but I don't want to walk away from my life for that period of time. I have also realized that I was very scared about graduating college and having no "direction." Peace Corps was a way to give myself the stability of a direction and of a structure. I absolutely cannot handle not knowing what's going to happen in the future, and I can't stand having no goals to work towards (hence, the reason I always have something going on). But what this last month of being at home and spending time with those I care about has taught me is that I don't always have to have an answer, and that if this particular answer I thought I had found no longer worked for me, that was just fine. So I stood in the terminal, crying and shaking, but could not bring myself to walk on. I watched every person board the plane, listened as they called my name for final boarding, then walked up to the lady to the counter and said "I'm not boarding the plane." I figured out my luggage situation (since it was already on the plane), and I got my poor parents and Andrew to drive all the way back for a second time (Wasn't the freeway pretty this morning though?). I called Peace Corps, who told me they understood and that I am not alone in changing my mind at the last minute. They also said they appreciated my bravery in facing my true feelings at the last minute, and that it just may not have been the right time for me. I just felt that if I wasn't going to put myself all the way in (27 months in), then I wasn't even going to start this adventure. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair for me.

I've obviously put a huge spin on things, and now have no idea what I'm going to do. I just knew I couldn't give Peace Corps 2 years and 2 months of my life, and in my heart I know I'm doing the right thing. I believe in the Peace Corps completely, and maybe in a different time I'll feel it's the right time. It's doubtful, because I don't think I'll ever be able to leave for that lenght of time, but maybe. You'll still hear me talking about some crazy new adventure that I've planned that will involve volunteering and helping others; it just won't be for that duration of time.

I'm really proud of myself for doing what I did. I listened to my real emotions that I had been evading for the last few months, and let myself feel what I needed to feel to understand. This could, in one way, look like a cop out, and since I was afraid of how it would look to others, I was obviously afraid of that. But I really don't care how it looks, and it's really not a cop out. It's also not about my fears, or my lack of ability to leave home, because I have already done that multiple times. I just knew it wasn't right for me.

So now we go back to the drawing board. I doubt I'll post on this blog anymore but I wanted to explain myself here since it started here. I really have no idea how I'm going to proceed; another volunteering endeavor, a job... I don't know. But I hate down time and hate having nothing to do, so I do know that whatever I'm going to do will happen quickly.

To the other Peru 14'ers who follow my blog, I'm really sorry I'm not there with you and I really wish I could have gotten to know you. Good luck over there in Peru and with all the good things you are going to do for the country. You are going to change their lives forever.

This is Jenna, over and out!